whatever. I've got a lot to type... and i'll start out with the reason why this whole thing was delayed.
facebook.
to be more specific, facebook IM.
to be more more more specific, a facebook IM from a cute boy i dated.
i love how that POP you here when you receive on a message creates a sort of pavlovian effect on me.
regardless. we got to talking. It's so ironic that it happened too... lately my lifes been all about...well the old. A few days ago i was just sitting around thinking of my life before high school. my friends. me. i was reminiscing. then a few days after that, i see an old friend at the beach...wait wait, rewind. before that i met up with some old friends from high school (really, they didnt feel like high school friends, when i look back, our friendships seem so ancient, but good. so that's why i am including them) whatever. so i met up with them. then beach. right, i saw an old buddy of mine, it triggered something inside me. i was yearning to go back and feel like i felt when i had that old gang. not the old gang. the old old gang. In terms of gang. lets label them like so
8th grade: the old old gang
9th grade: the (ancient) old gang
10th and beyond: the gang
so yea, this yearning. it was like wildfire. I was on facebook looking up old friends, and on myspace looking through my friends list to see if i had them on there.
and old pictures, and old notes. and just everything old old old. back. long ago. forgotten.
this though just ran through my head: maybe this is happening because i'm a year away from graduating? i'll refrain from the whole "moving out" shpeal for now because i dont want to sound like... how do i put this in words. well....hm. i cant. i know what i'm talking about.
anyway. OH WAIT WOWOHAHAHHA and the most important thing of all...holy cow. i cant believe i almost forgot. My family. not the here family. but the over there family.
and how i was so little, and all their faces are so faded. and names are so blurry. and memories are there, but just so barely that i feel like if i think or try too hard to remember them all, they'll go away. the point of all of this maybe that im starting to see how good i had it. and how much, looking back at it now, I LOVED it. man, back in the day i was so unsure of how i wanted things to be...but really...i like them just the way it happened. basically, i love the life i lived back then, it was good!
now.
life post old old gang, and old gang.
DAMN GOOD, with a few ifs and buts here and there.
which leads me to: the REASON WHY IM WRITING THISSSSSS.
im so ready. to just let go of things that are not good for me. I dont even know how to begin to explain this.....hahah wait i do. i just took a little gander onto facebook to see a picture, and a comment and it just pushed my ideas back in my head.
.... no never mind. i dont know how to start.
this is going to be a mess.
let start it off with a little story
late last night, i had a good talk with my sister and her friend. it started off as a discussion about a familiar issue, then it sort of drifted to another conversation. this conversation basically taught me that. I simply cannot wrap my head around it and will not understand it now. AND i'm okay with that. I am no one to tell anyone what they can and cannot do with their
lives.but that's not the issue, the issue is me trying to find the answers because my feelings were hurt. but my feelings were hurt to keep me from getting my feelings hurt. it makes sense, and as much as i appreciate that...i am just ready to let go of a friendship that i feel in all honesty has just faded away. and that happens, it was happened to me several times. with every season there was a friend, then came the time to move away...so long. goodbye. and you move on. The only reason why this one was i guess not so easy to just simply say bye to, until now, was because i didnt want to lose it. but looking back at it now, i'm not losing anymore than i have lost in the past year. and im okay with that. man, typing it and seeing it just makes it more fucking awesome. hahah well anyway. When people head in directions that i dont want to go, i move away, i've always done that. and i'm doing it now. One friend would probably be very disappointed with me because that person beliefs that it's okay to just sit on the sidelines and let it all happen as long as it doesnt involve you. just make sure you're there for someone/friend/family/hobo when they need you. because they will need you, they'll come to you. it's so honorable that some people can do this... i cant.
i've never been much of a sideline kind of gal. that's just me.
Another friend told me that jesus tells us that it's not our job to judge. fine. it's not. that's understood, so jesus. I am sorry for judging...i did it. oh man did i do it. but thanks to my talk with my sister and her friend i now realize that i was wrong. So. i wont do it anymore, that's your job.
A third friend told me that we should get involved. figure it out. help out... maybe that way things can go back to normal. but nahhh dude. I tried... unfortunately when i try, i give it all. and thats just fucking exhausting i'm tired. And that might be viewed as giving up...but giving up is stopping while your opponent is still fighting. My opponent, i feel in someway, is not even there. atleast not like they were there before. It's like kicking the ball, and kicking the ball, a thousand times, over and over and over and over again, trying to make a goal...but hey! guess what. there's no net. no goal. so the effort is wasted. and man, i've got so much of that effort to give to other important things for example, school.
im tired of my vagueness...and honestly the therapeutic feeling of this is kind of wearing off.
closing point.
I'm okay with moving on with my life.
we dont have the same interests anymore.
I feel stronger than you are feeling.
Im focused on more important things than the whole "just going through typical high schools things." which might i add is bullshit, just because it was the 70s it did not mean that everyone HAD to smoke pot or do LSD.
the reason that i've been so uneasy with said issues above was because i wasn't even SURE about how I felt about them. is it okay? is it cool? it's not bad... its whatever.
no, it's not okay.
no, it's not cool.
Yes, it's bad.
and well... it is whatever. because it's not gonna involve me, it's not gonna drag me in. Their issues are not my issues. But unfortunately the beautiful contradiction about this whole thing is that im either in or im out. If they've got a problem i seek their hands/heads/hearts...but if one's not willing to accept it then im out. and when i'm out. dude, im fucking out...no halfway, no nothing. from here on out, they're on their own (said person/friend/hobo) and it might seem so harsh. it might seem so unfair.
but at the end of the day i'm staying true to who i am and what i believe. call it selfish. call it cell centered. take me as i am, or have it no other way.
Maybe someday, when i'm older and then realize that maybe i'm just wrong, maybe i had this whole thing upside down. and you know, lord, if am. than i thank you in advance for making me realize it. But heads up, i dont think that i am wrong. I live day by day. And this is how i feel now. and most likely the way i'll feel tomorrow. and for the rest of the year. until the time comes to wrap my head around said issue.
and that's the entire point. Me being okay with my position and my belief.
When one door closes, three more open up. Two of those doors have been open for me, and inside them are the few people that i have near me that i know will always be true to who they are. door three holds the unknown.
there are a few things i know to be true,
doors 1, my family, will always be open. door 2, those dear to me and near me, the ones who take me for who i am, the ones who would never change to suit my needs or anyones needs, are going to be there. opened door. or closed.
and once door 3 opens up, and closes, doors 4, 5, and 6 will be waiting for me.
